Hurry Up and Wait

 Most of my life, I have had the energy and attitude of go-go-go. If life threw me a curveball, I would allow myself small moments of silent pity parties but then I would get up and begin again. In my mind, I have no time to waste, ever. In my heart, I have too much to give not to love the right person. In my soul, I have just one life and I have zero patience to wait for anything... even the good things. Maybe it was my upbringing. Maybe it is a family trait (all of the women in my family are strong and stubborn and if you dare tell them they cannot, they will not only find a way to do it but it will make your head spin seeing it done so fast). For the most part, this is not a bad thing. This has gotten me through so many life experiences leaving me stronger while rising from the ashes to create a new fire. This works until life steps in and forces me to have to wait, even when I try to utilize that fierce independence. I will kick and scream and fight to try to do what I have to do. But sometimes, life is stronger and life wins.

Patience is a Virtue You know what- whoever said this first was so full of shit. They probably also started the Live, Laugh, Love crap... The definition of virtue is "A trait of excellence, including traits that may be moral, social, or intellectual. The cultivation and refinement of virtue is held to be in "good of humanity" an thus is valued as an end purpose of life or a foundational principle of being." Why? People can be all of these things without patience. And while I do understand that some things take time or need to take more time, that does not help me feel like I am getting accomplished whatever I need to accomplish. If I can find away around being patient to get answers or things done, I will find it. I don't like being told no because I have always been taught to find a way. This may seem a bit intimidating to some but for me, self survival has always been the first line of defense and motivation. Not so much this is what I want but definitely more of this is what needs to be done. Not out of greed but out of necessity. 

Where Am I Going With This I broke my hand. Not a huge deal, it happens but in the process of stopping my fall, my back was also pinched. Flashforward to me, the one who is go-go-go to a week flat on the floor with ice and heat while also only having one fully functioning hand....grumble, grumble. Laying on the floor, having conversations inside of my head about all of the things that I could and should be doing while life is like Nope (insert sweary emoji). Keep in mind it could be worse- people are starving, wars are going on, blah blah blah blah BLAHHHHHHHH. I am lucky enough to have an amazing boyfriend and daughter who are doing as much as I will let them do for me and a 
mother who checks in every day just to see if I need anything. So, yeah, I should just shut the eff up but like I said- inside of my head, conversations just continue to swirl. Couple that with emotional ups and downs and I am sure by now my boyfriend thinks I was the one who starred in The Exorcist. And yet, he doesn't complain - he just does everything that needs to be done and kisses me during those ups and downs as if I am the most beautiful Exorcism creature ever. 

Hurry Up and Wait In between my ranting and raving, I am seeing what life is trying to forcefully show me- things can wait, things do need time and some things need to go a bit slower so that you can appreciate them as they happen. Put down your phone and actually see your world in real time again. Be proud of all of your accomplishments, even if the biggest one of the day was putting laundry away that took three times as long as it usually would. You begin to realize that it's ok to see dust in your house- it's just dust. Timing is never right for things like this. Let it happen. Watch and see what unravels next. If I didn't work from home for Equal Eats, I would have no job right now (have I mentioned how much I love this job?!). If I didn't have the support and help that I have, I don't know how I would even be able to do the small things by myself (OMG... not being able to shave just one of my armpits.... annoying). And if I had not found this man who showed me it's ok to want to do everything and wants to do it together, I know that my heart would not be the same and neither would
my spirit (soooo mushy I know but I do so adore this man). 

While I sit here, with my spiraling conversations to myself, I will try to remember to inhale and exhale to enjoy my breathe. I will try to remember how it feels to be taken care of and how grateful I am for that. I will try to remember that sometimes, what I don't understand, is ok and to trust. 

"In the rush to get back to normal, use this time to consider which parts of normal are worth rushing back to."

..... still gonna be very sweary during the process (LOL)