Life Is Just Endless Circles

I've said it often- I believe that everything happens for a reason, even if we do not understand it while it is happening to us. I am not a religious person- I consider myself spiritual and open-minded. I have faith that our energies absorb things and expel the bad without us even knowing it. When we are trying to force things to do what we feel is a good fit but is actually negative for us to have in our lives, somehow someway the Universe slams that door shut and forces us to look at what should be in our life head on. And while it may seem terrible at the time, I promise you that you will always look back and see that there was a good reason. The circle of life is a real thing and now, the largest circle has rippled back to me recently...

I Am An Empty Nester This is a very weird term for me to say. I have no pets, no kids and nothing except for the opportunity to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. For the first time in over four years, my husband and I have the house to ourselves. We can travel, we can sleep late or cook at 11PM or do whatever our hearts desire. We have no pets to wake up to or be home for and no fur gathering on the floors. We have no other persons in our household that we have to consider when shopping, cooking, scheduling.... it all sounds amazing, right? It is. But it is also a very unfamiliar feeling that I thought I would enjoy way more than I am right now. Don't get me wrong- this is a new beginning for my husband and I and he is more than amazing during this transition while I go from happy/smiley to crying at the doorway of a now empty room. For 21 years, I have known life only filled with mothering, providing, worrying and protecting. And while these will continue until the day that I die, it's a new adjustment. As a coworker who is going through the same situation said, it's very much like grief processing. 

New Beginnings My daughter moved out to begin an amazing new adventure of her own. I am so very

grateful that she chose to stay with me this long (21 years). She and I have been through... a lot (no need to rehash) and through it all, we always had each other's backs. She trusted me to protect her and through everything, she showed me that life has made her this incredible woman that I cannot even believe came from me (Well, maybe on some level but you understand where I am coming from). Through the hardest of times, we shared our lives together with similar dark humor, support, love and plain honesty on what happens in real life. I always advocate for her and support whatever she decides is what is needed for her while trying to instill good values and a strong spirit. And every single day, she continues to amaze me and make me proud. On the days that I doubt my parenting, she would say or do something that let me know that not only is she my daughter but she is amplified in all things fierce. She may be quiet but oh, that intricate web of intelligent, thoughtful, funny, very on the ball about so many life situations that makes her such a good person. I could not be more proud, truly. 

Circle 1 This is where it became interesting: 10 years ago, I attended the Food Allergy Bloggers Conference (sadly, it is no more). At this conference, I had the pleasure of meeting Mary Vargas, a lawyer who advocates for people with disabilities and food allergies at Stein & Vargas, LLP and a fellow Jersey girl. During those ten years, our lives took similar paths and although we did not see each other or even speak on the phone, we stayed in touch. We cheered each other on with music, memes and dark humor. Jersey girls are touch bitches and they stick together and we got each other through some very difficult times. While specific details are not necessary, this detail is the first of many that assures me that the Universe was planning and plotting.

Circle 2 I was living with my now husband in North Carolina. We (him, my daughter, the cat and myself) moved to Cincinnati, Ohio for his new job. It was a very big jump of faith so we leaped full force as we tend to do with everything. Admittedly, it was a bit scary but it was a new chapter that I knew had a purpose. And while both my daughter and I were still trying to find our new lives, a twist of fate would happen to us. A ripple. The stone that had been cast years back but somehow intertwined with our move as well. As my husband said "If I had never moved you to Cincinnati, this may not have happened". Truth. 

Circle 3 Mary Vargas's oldest had driven across the United States for a summer internship. Like ALL THE WAY across the United States (brave, very brave... I could not have done that). While scrolling on Facebook, I saw that Mary has posted that she was in need of friends and family to host her oldest for a night or two on the way back home. Her oldest has Celiac Disease and me being a fellow food allergy mother who loves to feed people, I quickly raised my hand to say Pick me! Pick me! We had not met her before and she had not met us. She had to trust that we would not gluten her and that our home was safe for her. Meeting her, I saw so many traits of Mary with a sharp mind and a unique perspective on life. This unknown person who stayed with us and was a bit timid upon arrival (I would have been too) quickly became relaxed and very close friends with my daughter. So much so that when she left, they stayed in touch and months later, she would visit us again. This time, because she wanted to not because she had to.

Circle 4 Over a year or so, there were visits and exchanges. There was a 21st birthday invite for my daughter and I noticed that this was more than friends. This was a young couple that had connected through a twist of fate. Mary picked up on this too and there were multiple "mother texts" of us sharing "Is it?" "Do you think?" "Did you see..." so we watched and waited. We joked at how funny it would be if they got together because of us. Perhaps we manifested a bit but they became inseparable and it was adorable to watch the transformation. As a parent, your wish is to see your child happy, always. So when you watch it happen and you see the glow of their new beginnings it is something that you feel honored to see. Honored- this is how I feel that I am able to watch my daughter grow and experience life. 

Circle 5 Fast forward to the first food shopping trip that we took my daughter on before we left to go home (home... sniff, dabbing eyes). I watched as she meticulously looked at every food label, Googled ingredients and products and decided if a food would be safe for her girlfriend to eat due to Celiac Disease. I stopped in the aisle and realized that now she had to do exactly what I had to do for my son with multiple food allergies. It was a very strange feeling, as if she was suddenly an adult. The positive- growing up as a food allergy sibling, she already knew what to do. She was always protective of her older brother (whether he realizes it or not) and in any workplace that involves food, she was always the employee who would remind everyone why they had to use clean utensils, why they had to switch to new gloves and why food allergies are very serious. If this is not a circle of life, then I'm not quite sure what would be. But I know she has this and I know it's probably not as much of a life altering event as it was for me. She grew up doing this her entire life. It's one of those moments in life that whisper in your ear "It's ok mama, she's got this". 

Circle 6 Recently, one of my Team Members at Equal Eats found a publication that she and I had both

been interviewed for called Allergy Voices. Out of all of the people in the world, she and I had been connected before we began working together. Just like Kyle Dine and I (CEO & Founder of Equal Eats) had met years back and now circled around to be working together... I know, some of you are rolling your eyes and judging me, calling me kooky. Say what you will, think what you will- I believe and that is enough for me. You see, this phase of my life is about me and what I want and how I want to think, dress, act without anyone's need for approval. Yes, you will see me with raspberry hair and dark nails and clothing that most would clutch their pearls at. That is ok because it's not your life, it is mine. I accept my weirdness as uniqueness, as the one who will be remembered for not keeping her mouth shut. You will never be heard if you are not loud. I chose to live out loud at full capacity.

As I have watched my life unfold in so many ways over the past ten years, I am proud of so much. Proud of myself, proud of my daughter and proud to be the wife of a man who continues to encourage me (ALL of me, not just the parts that I like or he likes). Life is an amazing journey and I am just now beginning to understand that you are along for the ride, enjoy it to the fullest every day. I know there are more circles to come and while the unknown is a bit scary sometimes, I am excited to see what happens. I am excited to see the person that I continue to become. I am excited to wait and watch as my daughter goes through her own life circles and I am so hopeful that I can help or share them with her. 

For those who chose to stay silent, I see you and I understand

"Staying quiet isn't always about having nothing to say, but about timing, self-preservation or finding inner peace"