I am a blogger that has always just laid it on the line, presented everything as it is. I do not sugarcoat. I do not play games to make myself more popular, that's not my style. What you see is what you get and I proudly stick to that. With a new year starting, I wanted to be open and honest about something new starting with me too- divorce.
I began this blog because my son (now 18) has multiple food allergies and asthma. Eighteen years ago, doctors did not communicate as well with their patients, not many stores carried allergy-friendly products and let's face it- most of the earlier products were just awful. Food allergies were something still seen as "new" and knowledge was left up to everyone to figure out on their own. It's a scary place to be when you are a parent. One day, you are freaking out because you feel like you can't figure out the parenting thing and you have a meltdown because you never seem to snap the onesie up the right way. The next, you feel like an even crappier parent because you watch your child have an allergic reaction and don't even know what it is or how to stop it. Because even your pediatrician didn't really know what to tell you to do. Until, the phone rings again and it's the pediatrician's office calling back asking, nonchalantly, if your child is still breathing. Never was I told to use Benadryl, or an autoinjector nor did I have any idea what could have happened. We were lucky- HE was lucky. These are moments that never leave a parent's memory, they are only repeated and made worse imagining what might happen next time. So that was me- 18 years ago, watching my son after he ate the tiniest amount of egg from a baby food that he didn't even ingest. He gagged and spit it out. Hives appeared down the side of his face and neck. He got dark circles underneath his eyes.
Fast forward 18 years and 22 years of marriage. Fast forward through the sleepless nights of a mother who slept next to her son some nights when his asthma was bad because she was afraid he would stop breathing. Fast forward through years and years of class parties, food stress, being the parent that the other moms grouped together and whispered about because her cupcakes didn't look like the store-bought cupcakes. Fast forward through the ER visit when I knew something was not right with my son's breathing but my husband insisted I was overreacting and it resulted in thirty+ inhaler puffs to open up his airways properly again. Fast forward through the times when my son would have honest discussions with me because he knew he could talk to me about anything. Fast forward through various family dinners when my son was pressured to "try just a little bit" of a food he is knowingly allergic to while I am looked upon as the overbearing parent who defended his decision not to. Fast forward through the beginning of High School and dating and hanging out and a whole new area of terror for a food allergy parent. Fast forward through the nights that I stayed up until my son got home safely while my husband slept peacefully, not a care in the world. Fast forward to now where my food allergic son has decided not to live with me but chose to live with his father instead.
Cut the apron strings - an actual term that so many people have said to me... really? I mean, really? Parenting with food allergies is not at all about a parent who doesn't know how to let go of their child but it IS also all about a parent who doesn't know how to let go of their child. This is not the same scenario of "He will only do it once, he has to learn" because unlike staying out too late or forgetting to do homework, having an allergic reaction without having life-saving medications will, yes indeed, only happen once because death is only a one time thing. Truth is powerful, even when it's scary.
The current divorce rate is fifty percent. This does not specify if food allergies have any part of this. There is plenty of data and research about how food allergies can take a toll on a marriage, how one parent often takes on the bulk of the stress and responsibility, blah blah blah..... does it matter? Divorce is divorce. Things that you cannot mend. If my marriage ended in part because I protect my son fiercely, then I accept that with honor. If my marriage could not continue because my time and efforts to keep my son fed with safe foods that I purchased across town from multiple food stores didn't match with the other families that do not have a child with food allergies, I accept that. Being a parent is always priority, even within a marriage.
Going forward I love my son, I will always love my son and I support his decision because it is his, no one else's. My hurt should not hinder his life, that would be selfish. Going forward, I am interested in how many other parents are going through a similar situation. How many of you may be on the fence about deciding to get divorced? How many of you are looking for someone just to listen to what you are going through? I feel as if there is so much pressure and a feeling of almost embarrassment which tends to keep people from sharing or asking for the advice that they may need. How can we support each other? How can we continue to remain a strong food allergy community and not be overwhelmed, trying to figure out how to handle a situation such as this? Tell me. Now. Email me, comment, tweet, reach out- I have always wanted to help so please know, I am here. I'm going through it. Most importantly- I am and you will be just fine.
Nobody ever expects to have a child with food allergies. Nobody ever gets married with the intent of getting divorced. And nobody ever anticipates their child choosing not to choose them. Yes, there will be people who will be told one side and not the other and many may believe it. But you know the truth and that is enough.
I began this blog because my son (now 18) has multiple food allergies and asthma. Eighteen years ago, doctors did not communicate as well with their patients, not many stores carried allergy-friendly products and let's face it- most of the earlier products were just awful. Food allergies were something still seen as "new" and knowledge was left up to everyone to figure out on their own. It's a scary place to be when you are a parent. One day, you are freaking out because you feel like you can't figure out the parenting thing and you have a meltdown because you never seem to snap the onesie up the right way. The next, you feel like an even crappier parent because you watch your child have an allergic reaction and don't even know what it is or how to stop it. Because even your pediatrician didn't really know what to tell you to do. Until, the phone rings again and it's the pediatrician's office calling back asking, nonchalantly, if your child is still breathing. Never was I told to use Benadryl, or an autoinjector nor did I have any idea what could have happened. We were lucky- HE was lucky. These are moments that never leave a parent's memory, they are only repeated and made worse imagining what might happen next time. So that was me- 18 years ago, watching my son after he ate the tiniest amount of egg from a baby food that he didn't even ingest. He gagged and spit it out. Hives appeared down the side of his face and neck. He got dark circles underneath his eyes.
Fast forward 18 years and 22 years of marriage. Fast forward through the sleepless nights of a mother who slept next to her son some nights when his asthma was bad because she was afraid he would stop breathing. Fast forward through years and years of class parties, food stress, being the parent that the other moms grouped together and whispered about because her cupcakes didn't look like the store-bought cupcakes. Fast forward through the ER visit when I knew something was not right with my son's breathing but my husband insisted I was overreacting and it resulted in thirty+ inhaler puffs to open up his airways properly again. Fast forward through the times when my son would have honest discussions with me because he knew he could talk to me about anything. Fast forward through various family dinners when my son was pressured to "try just a little bit" of a food he is knowingly allergic to while I am looked upon as the overbearing parent who defended his decision not to. Fast forward through the beginning of High School and dating and hanging out and a whole new area of terror for a food allergy parent. Fast forward through the nights that I stayed up until my son got home safely while my husband slept peacefully, not a care in the world. Fast forward to now where my food allergic son has decided not to live with me but chose to live with his father instead.
Cut the apron strings - an actual term that so many people have said to me... really? I mean, really? Parenting with food allergies is not at all about a parent who doesn't know how to let go of their child but it IS also all about a parent who doesn't know how to let go of their child. This is not the same scenario of "He will only do it once, he has to learn" because unlike staying out too late or forgetting to do homework, having an allergic reaction without having life-saving medications will, yes indeed, only happen once because death is only a one time thing. Truth is powerful, even when it's scary.The current divorce rate is fifty percent. This does not specify if food allergies have any part of this. There is plenty of data and research about how food allergies can take a toll on a marriage, how one parent often takes on the bulk of the stress and responsibility, blah blah blah..... does it matter? Divorce is divorce. Things that you cannot mend. If my marriage ended in part because I protect my son fiercely, then I accept that with honor. If my marriage could not continue because my time and efforts to keep my son fed with safe foods that I purchased across town from multiple food stores didn't match with the other families that do not have a child with food allergies, I accept that. Being a parent is always priority, even within a marriage.
Going forward I love my son, I will always love my son and I support his decision because it is his, no one else's. My hurt should not hinder his life, that would be selfish. Going forward, I am interested in how many other parents are going through a similar situation. How many of you may be on the fence about deciding to get divorced? How many of you are looking for someone just to listen to what you are going through? I feel as if there is so much pressure and a feeling of almost embarrassment which tends to keep people from sharing or asking for the advice that they may need. How can we support each other? How can we continue to remain a strong food allergy community and not be overwhelmed, trying to figure out how to handle a situation such as this? Tell me. Now. Email me, comment, tweet, reach out- I have always wanted to help so please know, I am here. I'm going through it. Most importantly- I am and you will be just fine.Nobody ever expects to have a child with food allergies. Nobody ever gets married with the intent of getting divorced. And nobody ever anticipates their child choosing not to choose them. Yes, there will be people who will be told one side and not the other and many may believe it. But you know the truth and that is enough.
Cut my apron strings but no matter how big the scissors are, everything that I have done for my son and taught my son will remain intact and that's what matters.
XOXOXO to you for every moment that you have felt or will feel alone. I see your light and I am thankful that it shines so brightly that it helps others, your children and your allergy family included, to find their own.
ReplyDeleteThank you, I appreciate that!
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